


No Hope, No Heart

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-20
Updated: 2013-03-20
Packaged: 2017-12-05 21:20:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/728053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Die and Kyo go to the Japanese Lantern Floating Festival</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Hope, No Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Written For: for NaNoWriMo.  
> Beta Readers: gothic_hime  
> Song[s]: "Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me” by the Smiths

Die stood behind Kyo, his hands in his pockets and a sad look in his eyes. Kyo knelt by the side of the river, a small paper boat in his hands. He wanted so badly to reach out and calm his lover, to hold him in his arms and take all of his pain away. But the truth of the matter was that Kyo didn’t like to be touched when it came down to pain like this. Something he’d buried deep for so many years that it was hurting him even now to think on it.

The guitarist shifted, his eyes still on the figure in front of him, but his stance giving the impression he wasn’t watching him as closely as he was. Further down the shore, he could see a number of other people lighting the candles to go inside their boats, setting them free in the river. A little girl stood beside her mother, wiping her eyes as she straightened up from letting her boat go. Her words drifted to Die and he cringed a little, something about it all too real as she whispered goodbye to her father. It maybe made it worse that it was exactly what Kyo was doing, that out of everyone he could have sent this little boat afloat for, it was his own dad.

Gravel crunched under his feet as Die turned away, wiping a stray tear from his cheek and trying to get himself back together. Death was a painful thing, something that gave someone the impression that life was no longer worth it, even if it was only for a brief time. And for those like Kyo, it was even worse. His mental wellbeing wasn’t normally as far up the chain as other people, and with something like the loss of his father, he had been nothing but crushed. It had only been a week and Die already felt like he was beyond his capabilities to deal with Kyo’s overwhelming sadness.

But he did his best, he stood by his lover’s side, and he did what he could. He’d taken to staying at Kyo’s apartment night after night, not wanting to leave him alone in such a vulnerable state. God only knew what Kyo would do or say without him there. Already, he’d told off his mother and sister, screamed at one of his Aunts, and worse than that, he’d told Die twice that he just wanted to die. Die had found him the second night, curled up out on the balcony in the rain, whispering nonsense at the sky. The only parts of it he’d understood had cut him to his very core. In essence, Kyo meant every word of wanting death to claim him, he’d begged for it. So far he’d been lucky that the other hadn’t actually taken any steps toward ending it all himself. For that… he was eternally grateful.

Die turned back toward Kyo as he heard a rough sob, his eyes landing on the vocalist’s hunched form. Kyo was shaking as he put the boat out on the water, narrowly avoiding tipping it over before it ever touched the flowing water. He had one hand clamped over his mouth and as he released the boat, he let out a thin wail that could only be described as the utmost despair. 

Immediately, Die was at his side, gathering him into his arms and tucking Kyo’s head against his chest. He didn’t try to stop it, didn’t try to tell him to calm down, or anything of the sort. Rather, he let him get it out, almost relieved to have him finally doing this. Hate, anger, and violence had been Kyo’s response up until then. Not a single tear, even when he’d been outside begging to die. But now they came as if the dam had been broken. Die sat on the riverbank and pulled Kyo fully into his arms, not caring who saw them or the reaction. Surely anyone could understand the need to grieve and the need for someone to be there for you when you did.

He leaned down, kissing the top of Kyo’s head, gently rocking them back and forth, stroking over his back in a soothing sort of manner while the vocalist continued to sob into his chest. Already his shirt was sopping wet and he felt as if his own heart was breaking as he held him. He ducked his head and whispered softly, “I love you… I’ll always love you. And I’m right here for you, just where I’ve always been.”

Kyo hiccupped softly, pulling back to stare up at him with his tear-streaked face. “You’ll leave me, too,” he whispered out, his face contorting into the worst possible mask of pain Die had ever seen.

Die shook his head. “No… I refuse. I won’t be without you. Not here and not in the next life.” He tugged Kyo closer to him again and hugged him hard against his body. “Never without you.”

“Everyone leaves,” Kyo whispered out.

Die opened his mouth to respond, but before he could, the soft voice of a child interrupted him. “Not everyone. Daddy left me, but Mama didn’t. She says it’ll be a very long time until she has to.” Die looked up at the girl, tears reflecting in his own eyes at the girl’s words. He watched as she knelt down and put her hand on Kyo’s arm and then opened his hand, pressing something into it, and curling his fingers back up around it. “Was it your daddy, too?”

Much to Die’s surprise, Kyo pushed himself back from Die’s chest and turned to look at the little girl. He nodded and whispered out a rough, “Yeah…”

The little girl moved in to hug him, putting her tiny arms around his neck. Kyo lifted one hand to put on her back, closing his eyes as tears cascaded down his face. “You keep what I gave you and it’ll make it easier,” she whispered to him before pulling away and holding out a package of tissues. Kyo took one and gave her a soft, “Thank you.”

A moment later, she was gone, heading back to her family who were politely minding their own business and not looking at how Kyo was reacting.

Kyo wiped his eyes and blew his nose, tucking the dirty tissue into his pocket before he finally opened his hand, looking down to see what she’d given him. It was just an old bottle cap with a heart cut into the back of it. But he knew for her to give it to him the way she had, it must have been something truly important to her. He closed his hand around it again and made his best effort to calm himself down, standing up and pushing the bottle cap into his pocket.

Die watched Kyo closely, getting up a moment later. Surprise filtered through him when Kyo reached out and took his hand, lacing his fingers with Die’s own. “Maybe it’s too little, too late… but I’m tired of hiding what you mean to me. I lost one man in my life that meant the fucking world to me… and barely anyone knew that. I refuse to let it happen a second time.”

Die squeezed Kyo’s hand in his own and wiped away his stray tears, turning with Kyo toward the path to lead them home. He held his head high and his shoulders squared. No one could make him feel bad for who he’d chosen to spend his life with. To him… this was as good as a piece of paper and a ceremony to tell the world. The rest was details; unneeded when you had someone so strong by your side. “It’s never too late.”


End file.
